


RuPaul's Hunger Games

by Dr Donna Stylinson (Arthur_Autumn)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: All Stars, Comedy, Gen, Hunger Games, Mild Gore, Parody, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-10 18:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4402079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arthur_Autumn/pseuds/Dr%20Donna%20Stylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drag Race is in danger: it will be taken off the air unless RuPaul finds a way to bring its former glory back after the trainwreck that was season 7. He then comes up with an idea so diabolical, so twisted and so sickening that is going to keep every viewer at the edge of their seats.</p><p>OR</p><p>Drag queens killing each other on national television turns up to be way more entertaining than people expected. Who cares if it's morally wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I had more time to work on this as I wanted before starting uploading it, but the imminent announced of the real All Stars 2 today has kind of forced me to start publishing it.
> 
> I had the idea of working on this story since the end of season 6, but never really had the inspiration to start it. After watching season 7 and seeing how many people were unhappy with it, I decided I now had the perfect excuse.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RuPaul gets an ultimatum and needs to find a new and exciting way to bring back his show's glory.

RuPaul Andre Charles, one of the world’s most famous and successful drag queens, was having a _shemergency_.

He was lying on his bed, dressed in his finest robe, while he talked on the phone with his best friend, Michelle Visage.

‘So, whatcha gonna do, gurl?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know, Michelle. I’m really out of ideas.’ The producers had just called that evening: his show, RuPaul’s Drag Race, was not making as much money as it used to. The audience was dissatisfied with the programme and as a result, most of them had stopped watching. The producers had given Ru an ultimatum: he had to find a way to make Drag Race more appealing not only to the gay community, but to everyone. And yes, that included the heterosexuals. ‘I mean, I don’t even know what lesbians like, how am I supposed to appeal to straight families?’ he said in a dramatic tone. ‘Michelle, you’re straight, right? What do your people like?’

‘Ru, you know I’m a gay black man trapped in the body of an impossibly gorgeous woman.’ _Well, that’s debatable_ , RuPaul thought. ‘I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.’

He groaned. ‘I feel lost. What am I gonna do?’

‘Come on, gurl!’ Michelle shouted. ‘You’re the great RuPaul, supermodel of the world! And this is America: when we’re out of ideas, we just steal someone else’s! Have you watched any good movies lately?’

‘Oh, Michelle, I could never do such a thing,’ said Ru, but then he turned his head towards the bedside table, were a book rested. He took it up and read. ‘ _The Hunger Games_ , by Suzanne Collins…’ A metaphorical light bulb lighted up above his head.

‘You okay, Ru?’ asked Michelle.

‘I think I found just the thing, Michelle. This season is going to be the most sickening of them all, I can already feel it. Call the producers! It’s time to bring back All Stars!’


	2. The Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drag Race All Stars 2 has finally arrived, this time with a big, fat, jaw-dropping twist. It's every queen for herself.

Season seven was by far the less successful season in the last few years. The audience felt there were too many group challenges, the queens were mostly uncharismatic, and the few of them who were fan favourites got eliminated in apparently unfair ways, at least from their fans' point of view. Some people said Drag Race had just ran its natural course, other blamed editing, but all of them agreed on one thing:

However, we all know how this works, and when Drag Race All Stars 2 was officially announced, everyone thought differently:

Queens were called and flown from their respective states to the studios and after months of anticipation, it was about to start.

 

The Werq Room looked better than ever, the lights were bright and the cameras filming when the first queen walked in.

'Knock-knock! Tati is back!' said Tatianna, looking fishier than ever with a long black wig and a short yet elegant red dress. 'Oh, am I the first one? Cool.' She smiled and sat by one of the tables, waiting for the next queen to arrive. 'I'm so excited!' she told the camera.

The next queen did not take long to walk in or, more precisely, death drop in.

'Hey hey hey, gurls! She's lean, green, and ready to win, ok'rrrr!' shouted Laganja Estranja as she death dropped, wearing her iconic weed leaf wig. 'Yaaaasss!'

Tatianna was rather scared of Laganja with that over the top entrance. 'Oh hi, girl,' was all she said.

'How are ya, mama?' asked the other queen. 'This season is gonna be sick'niiiiiiiing, yaas!' she exclaimed and death dropped again, making Tatianna retreat towards the mirrors.

Before Laganja could death drop again, a third queen shyly entered the room.

'Hi, hennys,' Stacy Layne Matthews said, wearing one of her best haute couture. That's best haute couture to Stacy's standards.

'Hi!' said Tatianna, glad there was someone she could actually talk to without having to look down at the floor every ten seconds.

'Oh, I'm the first big girl!' Stacy said happily.

She and Tatianna started a conversation while Laganja started to explore the Werq Room, exclaiming 'Come on, mirrors! Come on, sewing machines! Come on, piece of cardboard painted to look like a TV screen! Come on, camera man! Come on, fourth wall!' until yet another queen walked in.

'Hello, everyone! It's me, Madonna!' said Venus D Lite, fooling no one. 'Hahaha, just kidding! It's me, Venus!'

The other three queens looked at each other, communicating telepathically the same message: 'Well, someone's gotta be the first to go home.'

Venus sat with Tatianna and Stacy with some difficulty, since she was wearing a wedding dress that looked barely familiar to the one wore by Madonna on her Like a Virgin CD cover. Needless to say, Tati and Stacy Layne Bryant Matthews were not really looking forward to talk to her.

'This is like, the eleventh reality show I've been in,' said Venus. 'You guys?'

'Just this one and my season,' said Tatianna, to which Stacy nodded.

'Oh.' Venus smiled. 'Well, not everyone is made for reality TV, am I right?'

'Come on, crack on the wall!'

After what seemed like hours for Tati and Stacy, the sound of horse hooves filled the room.

'What is that?' asked Stacy Layne Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Q.

'Is someone coming on a horse?' asked Tatianna.

'Maybe it's a centaur!' exclaimed Venus, getting weird looks from the other queens.

'Come on, legendary creatures from Greek mythology!'

To their surprise, it was neither a horse nor a centaur: in galloped a set of abs attached to a queen. The queen neighed, then cleared her voice and said 'We made it again, bitches!' It was none other than Jasmine Masters.

All the queens cheered and greeted her, because everybody knew that Jasmine always had with her a suitcase or two full of food and hot sauce.

'Yes, henny, come sit with us!' Jasmine neighed of happiness from being accepted.

Jasmine Masters, Tatianna and Stacy Layne Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Q Papadopoulos systematically isolated Venus out of the group as they talked about their experiences after their respective seasons. Meanwhile, Laganja had retreated under a table, talking under her breath. It was, you may say, her way of charging her batteries. 'Werk it, mama. Blaze and amaze.'

The sound of Caribbean music blasting out of some speakers on the wall predicted the arrival of a Latina queen, and lo and behold, Jessica Wild walked in with a very nice purple sequin dress.

'Guess who's gotten in an intensive English course and has a more good-looking English now!' she said, proving right there and then how anyone can be ripped off.

More queens kept coming in: Kelly Mantle dressed as a nun; Jiggly Caliente, whose style was now far from being hot potato couture; Honey Mahogany and her world-famous caftans; Miss Fame serving _Alien_ realness all dressed in black; Lashauwn Beyond looking like Beyoncé; and Detox, wearing something stolen from someone’s quinceañera presents.

'This must be it,' said Kelly. 'There're twelve of us, two from each season.'

'There's no girls from season one, though,' pointed out Detox.

'Well, it's not like anyone remembers them,' said Miss Fame, trying to make a joke. No one laughed but her.

'Anyway, there can't be more bitches left,' said Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Q Papadopoulos. 'But I agree with Kelly; this must be it.'

'Don't count on that!' said a voice at the door. Everyone turned to face the new queen and gasped. It was Phi Phi O'Hara, all dressed in silver. 'Surprised?'

No one said anything at first, which made Jiggly's 'oh, fuck' more noticeable.

'Oh, come on, girls,' said Phi Phi. 'I'm not the bitch I used to be. I've changed.'

Jasmine was the first one to step towards her. 'You know, guys, everyone needs a second chance to prove themselves,' she said. 'If she says she's changed, we should give her the benefit of the doubt and treat her just like we'd treat another sister. At least until she blows it.'

'Oh, I love to blow,' whispered Miss Fame.

Phi Phi was at the verge of tears, truly touched. 'Thank you, Jasmine. It's so hard being treated as the villain all your life.'

The other queens smiled and gave her a massive group hug.

'Lucky thirteen, everyone,' said Jasmine. 'You think there'll be fourteen of us?'

'What if Shangela comes out of a box?' asked Lashauwn. Everybody laughed.

'Yes, that'd be hilarious, henny.'

'Come on, big wooden box in the middle of the room no one has noticed yet!'

Everything stopped. No one was laughing anymore. They turned their heads and saw Laganja cartwheeling around a big blue box lying in the middle of the Werq Room.

'Has that been there the whole time?' asked Detox.

'I was trying to tell you before!' protested Venus, but no one paid her attention.

'It's big enough to have a person inside.'

'Do you really think...?'

'No. It can't be. They've done it twice already, I don't think...'

Suddenly, the air went cold, all noise stopped, and no one moved, not even Laganja, who had death dropped from the box and was now shivering on the floor. The sound of high heels reverberated in the corridor leading to the Werq Room’s doors. They opened and everybody gasped: standing by the door, dressed as Snow White's evil stepmother, was the heartless, self-crowned cold queen herself.

'Raven?' said Tatianna with the faintest voice.

Raven smiled—which for her consisted on curling her lips upwards a millimetre. 'Yes. It's me.'

'Okay girl, hold on!' shouted Detox. 'You again?'

'Have a problem with that?'

'You were already on the first All Stars!' said Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Q Papadopoulos Rodríguez. 'This isn't fair!'

'Life isn't fair. Never has, never will,' the ice queen said before she walked past them to look at herself in the mirror. 'Perfect, as always.'

The Werq Room was filled with the whispering of queens, not sure of what was going on, and then:

'Halleloo, ladies!' Instinctively, every single queen looked at the box. It remained still on the centre of the room. 'Hey, I'm here!' Everybody looked at the door to find Shangela standing there. She cleared her throat and repeated: 'Halleloo!'

'This is ridiculous!' protested Honey.

The rest of the queens agreed except for Laganja, who ran towards her sister. 'Come on, House of Edwards!' she said, hugging her.

'Save some for Mama!' said another voice, and behind Shangela appeared the one and only Alyssa Edwards. The three queens started shouting and hallelooing and death dropping and dancing around, causing such a ruckus that the other contestants barely notice the arrival of more queens: Adore Delano wearing her trademark dirty pantyhose; Alaska, who had painted her face with all the colours of the wind; Pearl, who just said ‘hi’ before lying on a couch to take a nap; Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta Georgia in all her glory; Katya, sweatier, hornier, and Russianer than ever with her Gorbachev inspired outfit; even Carmen Carrera was there, looking like a Victoria’s Secret angel!

'What the fuck is going on here?' shouted Jasmine. 'There're way too many bitches!'

'Twenty two!' counted Miss Fame, proving that she actually went to school and that the rumours were unfounded.

'Make it twenty three!' said a very well-known voice followed by its owner’s very well-known laugh.

'Oh hell no!' exclaimed Phi Phi upon seeing the queen. 'Not you!'

Everyone agreed, because the last queen to enter was Sharon Needles, winner of season four.

'Why are you even here?' said Carmen. 'You already won!'

'Why are YOU even here?' said the spooky queen, dressed as what would happen is Marilyn Manson and the ghost of Joan Rivers had too many drugs and conceived a child. 'You're not even a drag queen anymore!'

A big chaos ensued and every queen started to argue with each other. 'You don't deserve to be here!' and "No, YOU don't deserve to be here!' filled the room. Someone cleared her voice, but was not heard over the noise. She coughed, said 'Hey. Hey. Hey!' but nothing. It was not until she whistled that the other queens stopped and noticed Vivacious at the door. She had on the very same outfit she was wearing when she entered the Werq Room during her season, and when we say the very same, we mean the very same; she even had the extra foam head over her own head.

After a pause, the queens laughed.

'Girl, did you run out of clothes?' asked Pearl, waking up from her nap before going back to sleep again.

'I don't think this is what vintage means, Vi,' said Katya, who then proceeded to laugh in Russian.

'And you're going to compete in All Stars 2 like that?' laughed Alaska. ‘You’re not even wearing nails!’

'Oh, no, girl, I'm not the one competing,' said Vivacious.

The girls felt silent. 'What do you mean?' asked the matriarch of the House of Edwards.

Vivacious pointed at the head over her head with her fan.

Everyone was in disbelief, especially Lashauwn. In her defence, she was born in disbelief, though.

'You don't mean...'

'It's not me competing. It's Ornacia.'

There was a short silence among the queens as Vivacious took her head off and set it on the table before leaving the set, followed then by a myriad of complains.

'This is ridiculous!'

'That's it, I'm leaving!'

'She doesn't even go here, henny!'

'Girls, girls!' Kelly shouted. 'I'm sure there's an explanation for all this. Let's just wait for Ru, okay?'

The queens tried to stay calm, which turned into a very awkward silence. Fortunately, it wasn't long until the familiar—yet to this date unintelligible—sound of RuPaul saying "oooh, gurl" and then being apparently chocked to death came out of the speakers.

'I'm glad she took the she-mail part out, but I still think my idea of renaming it fe-mail was actually good...'

'Shut up, Carmen.'

'Come on, autoerotic asphyxiation!'

The twenty four queens gathered around the piece of carton they had to pretend was the screen on which the editors would later put the video of RuPaul speaking to them. It was the magic of editing. This time around, however, they were surprised to discover that the piece of carton was actually turned on and showing RuPaul in all her Gaussian glory, wearing a dress made of deep blue and black butterflies and a pastel green wig so big it could caress God's ticklish toes. It was an actual screen!

'They have budget now?' asked Katya, filling her Socialist knickers with vaginal fluids.

'Fucking finally!' said Detox.

'My girls,' RuPaul started, and every queen shut up and listened, 'you have been expressly invited here again because, during your season, you showed your passion, uniqueness, style, spirit, and...' Ru paused for a second, her eyes apparently looking at something behind the camera, like she was not sure about what she was reading on the teleprompter, '... and youth.'

'Youth?' wondered some of the girls, especially the older ones.

Ru seemed to be mouthing 'Youth? Really? We ran out of Y-words?' to someone and then went back to the camera. 'By now, you know these four walls by heart, but if you thought I had no aces left up my Alexander McQueen sleeves, oh, gurl.' She gave one of her world-famous hearty hyena laughs. 'You're in for a surprise. This year, you can't just be fishy, funny, or charismatic: you need to be hungry.'

'I'm quite hungry myself, now that you mention it,' Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Q Papadopoulos Rodríguez Romanova whispered to herself.

'Hungry to win the crown,' Ru continued. 'Twenty four queens enter. Only one will win the title of America's Next Drag Superstar!'

The screen turned itself off. Jiggly licked her lollipop. Pearl snored. Jasmine neighed. Miss Fame clucked. Carmen was not paying attention and had instead started to check her boobs. Alyssa, Shangela, and Laganja popped their tongues to Carl Orff's _O Fortuna_ , making every fourth pop in perfect unison. Ornacia's left eye changed from green to blue; her right eye was still yellow. Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta Georgia just stood there, being Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta Georgia. Venus said something, but no one cared.

'Well, that was an interesting way to start the season,' muttered Alaska.

Before anyone could answer to her comment, they heard Michelle Visage's voice saying 'guuuurls, fasten your corsets, keep your nails and heels inside the room, and get ready for take-off, because this is going to be a bumpy flight!' after which the Werq Room started to shake, sending more than one queen to the ground.

'What the fuck is happening?!' asked Alyssa.

'It's an earthquake!' shouted Shangela. All the queens screamed. 'Quick! Under the tables!' she said, and all obeyed except for Ornacia, who was bouncing around with the movement of the room. Her left eye was back to green and her right eye was now red.

The room kept moving during what felt like hours. Some of the queens were all over the place; Katya had passed out and spread-eagled in a corner with Ornacia resting between her legs—both eyes dark blue—while the House of Edwards were praying their Hallelos. Venus was still talking, but let's be honest: we do not care and neither do you.

Finally, the room came to a stop with a big **_BANG!_** and after a while the queens started to get up. The room was a mess: there were dresses everywhere, cracks on the walls, the mirrors were shattered, and Detox had vomited against the big wooden box. Honey offered her one of her caftans to clean herself up. Katya was now fully awake and rather enjoying Ornacia's attentions.

'What in the name of my IMDB is going on here?!' asked Kelly.

As if answering, the Werq Room's ceiling started to fly up, disappearing in the open blue sky, and the four walls lowered themselves into the ground. What they saw left the queen speechless.

'Girls,' said Alyssa, 'I’ve a feeling we're not in Hollywood any more...'

Instead, they were surrounded by a big plain. In the distance, they could see mountains with snowy tips, a dense, dark pine forest. They could also hear running water not too far away. There was not a single cloud in the sky and the sun shone bright and hot. It made Katya sweat more than usual. Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Matthews Lattisaw Hutchinson Q Papadopoulos Rodríguez Romanova cried. 'I wanna go back to Backswamp!' she protested.

'Good morning, racers!' RuPaul's voice was heard throughout the plain at a high volume.

'Look!' shouted Phi Phi, pointing up. All the queens followed her long nail and gasped as they saw the image of the supermodel of the world projected against the sky.

'This year's season of All Stars will be fiercer than ever!' she said. 'Quite literally. Because this time, this is not just RuPaul's Drag Race: this is the first edition of RuPaul's Hunger Games!' Her laugh made the earth tremble. Jiggly peed her panties, which aroused Katya.

The queens had not yet fully realised what they have gotten themselves into when the image of Ru was replaced by that of her alleged best friend, Michelle Visage.

'Hello, gurls!' Her breasts jiggled vivaciously as she spoke. 'You heard Ru: these are the first ever RuPaul's Hunger Games, and so this year the rules have gone through some changes. Instead of having a challenge each week, you'll be judged daily on your dress, makeup, et cetera. The best queen will be awarded with supplies, food, and other items to help her survive the competition! Also, instead of eliminating a queen with a Lip Sync for Your Life, you'll be eliminated if you die!'

'Die?!' shouted the queens.

'That's right, gurls! This game is won by killing your competition, and we don't mean that un-literally!'

'Figuratively,' murmured Alaska. 'The word you're looking for is figuratively.'

'The last queen to stay alive will be crowned America's Next Drag Superstar! Apart from the title, the winner of RuPaul's Hunger Games receives: a sickening lifetime supply of Jelly Babies; a cruise through the Fifth Circle of Hell, courtesy of Al & Chuck Travels; and of course, not dying!' Michelle laughed. Adore and Detox cursed heavily at her. 'You can use any of the wreckage from the Werq Room, clothes that you've brought with you, plus any natural resources you'll find in the island—Oh, yes, you're in an island, almost forgot to tell you. You have one minute after the sound of the siren to get ready and, after that, you're allowed to start killing! Good luck and don't fuck it up!'

The screen in the sky disappeared and a horrible siren started to sound throughout the place. Honey, Jessica, Tatianna, Jiggly, Carmen, Lashauwn, Venus, and Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Tallchief Matthews Lattisaw Hutchinson Q Papadopoulos Rodríguez Romanova ran for their lives, away from the ruins of the Werq Room, while the others started to look through the wreckage for anything that might help them. The House of Edwards tried to pick as many of their dresses as they could carry. Detox, Kelly, Alaska, and Adore decided to team together and look for makeup, wigs, and things that could be used as weapons, like chair legs and some of the broken glass from the mirrors. Jasmine, Katya, Miss Fame, and Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta Georgia picked all of Jasmine's heavy bags and ran away. The rest decided to go solo. Ornacia lied on the floor, her eyes changing constantly.

As the other queens left the scene, Phi Phi ran to her luggage, but Sharon pushed her away, which made the shorter queen fall to the ground as the former winner stole things from Phi Phi's luggage.

'That's mine, you bitch!' shouted O'Hara.

'This is war, Phi Phi! Everything’s fair in war!'

Phi Phi could not take it anymore! Ever since her season, people hated her, but everybody loved Sharon, no matter how much of an asshole she was, all because of the editing. It was unfair! When she noticed the siren had stopped, she picked a chair and slammed it against Sharon's head repeatedly, ignoring her screaming, until she was unconscious on the floor. Then, Phi Phi took a shard of one of the broken mirrors and, shouting ‘Go back to Hell where you belong!’, stabbed Sharon’s eyes with it, leaving blood and pieces of brain everywhere. A cannon could be heard in the distance, and Ru's voice said 'Oooh, guuurl! First blood!'

Phi Phi walked away from the body. Her silver dress was drenched in the blood of her archenemy, and she loved it. She kicked Sharon's corpse one last time. 'You should thank me; now you're a real dead girl.' She took her luggage and ran away as a hovercraft collected the body of the first victim of RuPaul's Hunger Games.

 

She could hear nothing but silence from inside the box, and she decided it was her opportunity to come out. She opened it and stepped out of it, doing some stretching to wake up her limbs again; she had been in that box for hours and, although it was big enough for her, it was no hotel room and her arms and legs were sore. As she took her first steps, she accidentally walked into a pool of vomit mixed with blood.

'Goddamnit!' she yelled, looking at her ruined shoes. 'These Jimmy Choos were new!' She sniffed the air. 'This vomit is Detox's, I can tell. Have it memorised already. Guess this is Sharon’s blood. Well, bitch shouldn't have come in the first place! Had it coming.' She took off her shoes, took a pair of Louboutin from the box, and walked away. Her plans to penetrate the competition illegally had been a success. She laughed; it was a funny choice of words. She had not penetrated anyone since 2006. She took out her gun and looked at it. An unfair advantage, but then again, when had RuPaul's Drag Race ever been fair?

As she walked towards the sunset, Ornacia’s eyes turned pink.

 

_One queen down_

_Twenty-three to go_


	3. Day 1

Ross and Carson were walking through a metallic pink corridor with guards posted on every door. They knew they were guards because that was what it said in their underwear, which was the only piece of clothing they were wearing. Also, they did not have guns and their only _weapon_ was their bulges; and mind you, they could poke someone's eye out with them if used correctly. The sound of Carson and Ross as they walked on the metallic surface was giving the former a headache.

'Ross, could you please stop stomping?'

'I'm not stomping!' protested the adorable and plump judge with his high-pitched voice.

'Yes, you are,' said Carson. 'You need to walk more graciously, like me.'

'Your feet are also making noises! It's the metal; nothing we can't do about it.'

They kept walking until they reached the end of the corridor, where two members of the Royal Pit Crew Guard stood at each side of RuPaul's office. Carson and Ross said 'Hieeee!' and they opened the doors for the judges. They did not know their names, but then again, no one did. In fact, the application forms they had to fill when applying as a member of the RPCG had only three questions in it:

Aspiring candidates had to be at least six inches in length, thus the importance of the first question.

In the office, Ru was sitting at his desk out of drag, wearing a nuclear white suit with a black rose —why it gotta be black?— with Michelle at his right side, her boobs defying all laws of gravity. The usual.

RuPaul was looking at the screens arranged on his desk, each showing a different group of queens in the arena. In front of her was a microphone, which she used to send messages to the contestants. As Carson and Ross entered the room, Ru giggled at one of the screens, opened the microphone and said: 'Oooh, guuurl! First blood!' She then turned the mic off again. 'Welcome, squirrelfriends of mine,' he said, referring to the recently arrived pair. 'You came just in time: we just had our first kill!'

'Yas, gurl,' said Michelle. 'Who would have thought Sharon will be the first one to go down?'

'Yes, I thought it was gonna be Venus.'

'Who?'

'Exactly.'

'You called, _your highness_?' asked Ross, using the title they had been forced to call RuPaul by since this whole Hunger Games shenanigan started.

'Oh, yes, I did call you,' said RuPaul. 'I wanted to talk to you about something important. You see, since the format for All Stars 2 doesn't require any judges, I have no actual need for any of you two. So, you're fired.'

'Fired?!' they asked.

'Is Michelle fired too?' asked Carson, which made Ru and Michelle laugh. 'What? Did I say something funny?'

'Of course she's not! She's my right hand. Plus, she's in charge of pressing this set of important buttons every time I need it,' said Ru, pointing at a panel on his desk full of buttons of different colours. 'Michelle, would you please press the turquooooiiiiiiiisssssssseeeeeeee button?'

'Your whim is my command!' said the —allegedly— woman, pressing the turquooooiiiiiiiisssssssseeeeeeee button.

Upon pressing it, the floor under Ross and Carson's feet opened up and they fell to their death into a bottomless pit. Ross' high-pitched screams were mixed up with Carson's insults towards their executioners, forming a cacophonous melody that Ru described later that evening to Lucian Piane in order to make another hit song. Lucian's refusal forced RuPaul to order the pressing of the turquooooiiiiiiiisssssssseeeeeeee button once again, which actually was a pity because they were trying to rebrand him as a new member of the Pit Crew. Michelle then tried to console Ru, telling him that Lucian was too short anyway and he did not quite fill the underwear. Then they had some chipotle and spent the rest of the evening watching _To Wong Foo_ , but only the scene in which RuPaul appeared. On repeat. For seven hours.

 

In the arena, the team composed by Jasmine, Fame, Katya and Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta, Georgia, had arrived to a forest clearing, far from the Werq Room. Their dresses were torn, their wigs were snatched, and their egos were slightly lower than usual.

'This is crazy!' shouted Nicole once they stopped to catch their breath. 'This was not in my contract!'

'It wasn't?' asked Fame. 'To be honest, I didn't read it.'

'Me neither,' said Katya, sitting on the grass and pulling a hand mirror out of her vagina.

'How did you... never mind,' said Nicole, who, after her many a year as a drag queen, had learnt that, sometimes, it was best not to ask. 'What are we supposed to do now?'

'Well, one of the things I learnt from my time with the t-girl scouts' said Jasmine proudly 'was, among other things, how to cook, how to get food, how to build a shelter, how to survive a dystopian-inspired fight to the death competition, and how to sell cookies.'

'You know how to cook?!' asked Fame, truly impressed.

'And how to survive a dystopian-inspired fight to the death competition,' she repeated.

'Well, let's be honest,' said Katya, decorating her hair with ladybugs. 'We've all been in Drag Race, which is one step away from being a fight to the death.'

'And we all lost that one,' added Nicole.

This caused a long and awkward silence between the queens, during which they just stared at each other, thinking whether they could actually trust their companions. Who would be the first one to betray the others and who would be the first queen to fall? And what for? A gaudy plastic crown with fake jewels made of coloured rhinestones?

Jasmine's stomach started to rumble, breaking this uncomfortable silence.

'We should eat,' she said, and then proceeded to open the suit cases they had been able to take with them. They were full of food, as they always were: hot sauce, white bread, spices, twinkies, fish oil, popcorn for the children, everything one could think of. There was only one problem. 'Fuck!'

'What?'

'We didn't get the suit case with the meat! All we have is condiments and shit!'

Katya started to cry in Russian.

'What are we gonna do now? I can't live only on white bread and hot sauce, Jasmine!'

'Calm down, Nicole,' said Fame. 'I've got everything under control. Just wait and see.'

Miss Fame walked a couple of steps away from the queens, towards the forest, then raised her hands and started to sing _Milkshake_ , only she was not actually saying the words: she was clucking them. In a matter of seconds, a legion of chickens started to come out of the woods, down from the trees, and out of the earth like moles.

'Oh, my good God,' muttered Nicole Paige Brooks, 'you have superpowers...'

'No, it's just years of practice,' answered Fame, breaking one of the chicken's neck. 'Who wants chicken wings?'

 

Far from there, in the outskirts of the wood where the terrain changed into a steep hill, Honey, Jessica, Tatiana, Jiggly, Carmen, Lashauwn and Venus where running downhill trying to save Stacy, who had tripped and was rolling down towards the river without any kind of control.

'Help me, hennies! Help!' she cried as her dress kept turning green from the grass rubbing against it in her path.

'We're going as fast as we can!' shouted Lashauwn. 'It's not easy with high heels!'

Stacy was rolling down faster than any of the queens could run —especially Honey, whose kaftan was slowing her down as it was far from aerodynamic— and so she did not come to a stop until she hit the river. Wet and green, Dr. Stacy Layne McGuffing Bryant Tallchief Matthews Lattisaw Hutchinson Q Papadopoulos Rodríguez Romanova Esposito III could finally stand up. A frog was casually standing on her drenched wig.

'Oh, henny, this is awful...' she cried as her fellow queens were finally catching up. 'I'm gonna catch a cold.'

'Does anyone know how to make a fire?' asked Venus, but no one noticed her.

'We should make a fire,' said Tatiana.

'That's what I just said!' said the ignored queen, frustrated.

'Yeah, it's getting late and soon it'll be too cold,' added Carmen. 'I don't know how to make a fire. You, girls?'

Each girl looked at each other —except at Venus— and shrugged their shoulders.

'Can't be that difficult, right?' said Jiggly. 'We just have to rub two sticks together. That's what they do in the movies.'

'What does fire means?' asked Jessica.

'It's that hot red thing that burns stuff, Jessica.'

'Ah! You mean _fuego_! I can make _fuego_ , yes,' Jessica declared victorious and ran uphill to the forest, supposedly to get some wood and sticks.

'That girl amazes me sometimes,' said Carmen. 'Come on, Stacy, let's get you out of those clothes.'

'I'm not gonna stand here naked, henny! All my clothes are back in the Werq Room and I'm **not** going back there!'

'But you're gonna catch a cold, bitch!'

'Don't call me a bitch, Jiggly!'

Honey then stepped forwards and, to every queen's surprise, pulled a big moomoo out of her kaftan. 'Here, you can have this. I always have one in case of emergency.' All the girls looked at her. 'What? A girl's gotta be ready for everything.'

She then pulled out another two kaftans from inside her dress and in less than two minutes she was able to make a tent out of them.

'Now we have shelter.'

'Henny, you're my new best friend.'

Minutes later, they heard Jessica's voice approaching.

'I have _fuego_ , I have _fuego_!' she shouted as she waved a branch on fire.

She then started to run downhill towards the group. Unfortunately, she did not see the stone in her path, she stepped on it and tripped, letting the fiery branch go. The branch flew through the air and, coincidentally, landed on Venus. Due to her wig and dress's flammable qualities, the queen caught fire immediately. Terrified, Venus was unable to think logically and thus it did not occur to her to jump into the river.

It was a matter of seconds before the queen perished, her corpse still burning brightly on the floor. A cannon was fired in the distance.

'Wow,' said Stacy. 'That was weird. Thank God the branch fell on this convenient bunch of garbage.'

The queens then sat around the fire as the lifeless body expelled a chicken-ish odour. It was a delicious smell.

 

_Two queens down_

_Twenty-two to go_

 

Laganja screamed when they heard the cannon. ‘What was that?!’

‘I think it means someone’s died,’ said Shangela, looking in the direction of the noise. This revelation made Laganja go bonkers —yes, even more than usual— and, in a perfect impersonation of Michelle Visage’s boobs, proceeded to defy the laws of gravity by death dropping against a tree while shouting: ‘This was supposed to be my moment!’

Thankfully for all of us, her drag mother slapped some sense into her by, well, slapping her. ‘Gurl, calm your fake tits down right now! We’ll make it to the end together like the family we are, just as we always do.’

‘But how, mama?’ asked Shangela.

‘All I need is my Red Bull™ to help my prodigious brain start thinking of a plan. Vivienne! My Red Bull™!’

Laganja and Shangela stared at Alyssa, who had raised one hand to the side as if expecting someone to hand her a drink.

When it dawned on her, she exclaimed an ‘Oh. Fuck,’ and all three members of the House of Edwards panicked collectively.

 

Pearl had not actually been running, but rather sleepwalking away from the Cornucopia. She woke up after tripping on a stone and falling into the shallow river. She coughed and stood up, taking in the scenery.

‘Where am I?’ she asked herself as she walked to the other side of the river and into the forest. Little critters dressed in drag gathered around her, making her feel like some kind of Disney princess.

It was interesting: just being there gave her some kind of peace she had never experienced in the big city. Pearl had never really been surrounded by this much nature in her whole life. This sensation she was feeling was strange to her. ‘Could this be… happiness?’

Some squirrel queens seemed to want her to follow them, and so she did until they arrived at a clearing in the forest. In the middle of it stood a low dolmen surrounded by four huge menhirs. Through the leaves came a ray of light that rested just in the centre of the dolmen, like announcing the presence of some kind of divinity. The squirrel queens pointed Pearl towards the light, as if telling her to get closer. Pearl, who had never had any kind of contact with wild animals before, thought this was normal and proceeded to sit on the dolmen, right under the light.

As soon as her padded ass rested on the stone, her mind was assaulted by images of nature being destroyed by mankind: forest fires, deforestation, polluted seas, nuclear warfare, crocs, it was horrible! A voice in her head said: ‘Save us, Pearl. You’re our only hope.’ She then fell unconscious, sleeping on the dolmen with the drag critters guarding her.

 

As evening came, the group formed by Detox, Kelly, Alaska and Adore —Dekellasore— decided to stop and make camp. What they ignored was that Raven had been following them for hours now. She spied on them from behind the bushes and trees at a cautious distance, far enough to remain unseen, close enough to hear their conversation.

‘Fuck,’ said Detox, ‘where are we going to get some food? We should have gone with Jasmine. She’s the one with the food. Fuck.’

‘There must be something here that we can eat,’ said Kelly. ‘These bushes have plenty of berries. We can eat those.’

‘I want a Happy Meal,’ declared Adore, who sat down on the ground and started to take her shoes and jewellery off. Before she could take her nails off, Alaska stopped her.

‘Not the nails.’

‘Why not? And please, don’t say “if you’re not wearing nails, you’re not doing drag,” because drag right now is not my main priority.’

‘Not just that, but they can be used as weapons,’ answered Alaska.

The three girls looked at her, intrigued. ‘How?’ They asked.

‘I’ll show you. Follow me.’

They left the things they had stolen from the Werq Room there and followed Alaska. Raven followed as well. They soon found a little deer dressed in Prada clothes drinking from a little puddle of rain water.

‘Look and learn,’ whispered Alaska, who then tiptoed behind the deer queen and eventually jumped at her throat, claws-a-blazing, killing her with just the force of her sharp and long nails tearing the tender flesh. The other queens looked in awe as Alaska skinned the carcass. ‘Dinner’s ready. Someone start a fire.’

Raven, still in hiding, was impressed as well and told herself to take Alaska in consideration in the events of being forced to get an ally. Or, better yet, kill her as soon as possible and steal her nails.

The queens went back to their improvised camp, made a fire and started cooking the meat. Before they were able to start dinner, the main theme of _RuPaul’s Drag Race_ was heard through the arena and the big screen in the sky appeared again.

‘Hello, racers!’ greeted RuPaul. ‘This has been a very fun first day! I can’t wait to see what’ll happen tomorrow. Now it’s time to announce the winner of the very first challenge. Today’s winner is,’ Ru made one of her unnecessary dramatic pauses before saying the name: ‘Phi Phi O’Hara, for being the only one to kill a contestant on purpose! Congratulations, Phi Phi! To help you in your journey, you win a sickening supply of wolf nipple chips, courtesy of the People’s Front of Judea. Wolf Nipple Chips! Get ‘em while they’re hot! They’re lovely!’

‘What the fuck?!’ came Phi Phi’s voice somewhere near the Dekellasore’s camp. ‘Oh, shit!’

‘Oh my God, she’s here!’ shouted Kelly. ‘Get her!’

Phi Phi appeared from behind a tree and started running as far as her high heels allowed her while Dekellasore chased her.

Taking advantage of the situation, Raven came out of her hiding spot and, holding in her hands some of the deadliest poisonous berries and plants she could find in the arena, she put the poison in their food. ‘Water hemlock and deadly nightshade for Kelly; white snakeroot and castor beans for Detox; oleander and rosary peas for Adore; and for Alaska, the deadliest of them all: acid berry and derrick berry!’ she said to herself in a singsong voice as she mixed the plants and berries in the meat. She hid herself again, waiting for the other three queens to return. She wanted to see the fruits of her work with her own eyes.

 

She was coming back to the ruins of the Werq Room after a day of scanning the nearby areas when she heard the four cannons. ‘Goddamnit!’ she exclaimed as the noise took her unprepared. She drew out her gun, looking for something to shoot at, but all she got was the theme of the show again, followed by Michelle’s voice announcing the deaths of the day while their pictures appeared on the sky with their killer’s name.

‘The queens who sashayed away today are: Sharon Needles, killed during the Bloodbath by Phi Phi O’Hara with a shard of glass. Venus D Lite, killed by Jessica Wild with _fuego_. Alaska Thunderfuck, killed by Raven with poison. Adore Delano, also killed by Raven with poison. Detox iCunt, killed, again, by Raven with poison. Kelly Mantle, killed by, you guessed whom, Raven with, you guessed what, poison. Thanks everyone for playing! See you tomorrow, gurls!’

Ornacia’s eyes changed colour through the transmission and then stayed pink after it was over.

The other queen whistled, impressed. ‘Fuck, I better be careful with Raven. Bitch’s out for blood!’ She then took a notebook and wrote Raven at the top of the _Bitches Not to Trust_ list. She got inside her box again and went to sleep. Ornacia’s left eye turned off completely.

 

_Six queens down_

_Eighteen to go_

 

Just after the announcements were over, Pearl finally woke up. The squirrel queens all gathered around her.

‘I’ve been reborn,’ she said, and went back to the shallow river. There, she rubbed all her makeup off. She then took her wig, nails, eyelashes and clothes off, standing completely naked in the arena. Pearl was no more; in her stead stood Matthew James just as the day he was born — not counting the circumcision scar and tattoos, of course.

He looked at the moon and declared: ‘I’m a vegan now.’ He then ran through the forest, attuned to nature with his new friends.


End file.
